It’s hot…it’s muggy…it’s July. July is the anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act and here in
“So,” you may be asking, “what does any of this have to do with sexuality?” And my answer is: a lot. Being comfortable with yourself also means being comfortable with your body and this poses a particular challenge for many people with disabilities, particularly women with disabilities. As women, we are taught to value beauty and attractiveness above almost everything else, but as women with disabilities we are also often taught that we ourselves are not beautiful or attractive but instead that we are physically flawed. As a result, we frequently come to internalize that devaluation of our bodies, preferring instead to emphasize other aspects of ourselves to the outside world as a way of compensating for a “less than ideal” body.
But I believe that this strategy only gets us so far, and that sooner or later it will backfire, biting us in the you-know-what. Feeling comfortable with, and indeed good about, ourselves entails feeling comfortable with our whole selves. Sure, we all go through periods where we hate our hair or bemoan our hip size, but so do most non-disabled women. And of course we want to “look good,” whatever our own definitions of “looking good” may be. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Ultimately, though, disabled or not, we all must make peace with our bodies one way or another. Additionally, we need to make sure that we have control of our bodies: not our PA’s, not our romantic partners, not our therapists: us
One way to start doing this might be to ask yourself some questions. For example:
“How well do I really know my body?”
“What parts do I want to get to know better? How can I do this?”
“What do I like about my body?”
“What do I wish I could change? Why?”
Becoming more familiar and comfortable with your body can not only help you feel better about yourself overall, but may also strengthen your relationship with a current or potential romantic partner. For example, it may help you feel more capable and confident in a relationship, and also may help you to assert your own needs and to experiment with new things. In addition, to the extent that your overall self-confidence increases and becomes evident to others, you can help to challenge cultural myths and misperceptions about disability.
And that is a vital contribution to our community. Happy disability pride month!
Resources:
Body Beautiful/Body Perfect: Challenging the Status Quo
Where Do Women with Disabilities Fit In?
http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/7319/sex.htm
Taleporos, G. & McCabe, M. P. (2002). Body image and physical disability. Personal perspectives. Social Science and Medicine, 54, 6, 971-980.
Books | Articles | Dating | Websites | Author Biography
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Brownworth, V. A. & Raffo, S. (1990). Restricted Access: Lesbians on Disability. Seal Press.
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Blackburn, M. (2002). Sexuality and Disability. Oxford: Butterworth-Heinemann.
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Monga, T.N. (1995). Sexuality and Disability. Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation: State of the Art Reviews. Philadelphia: Hanley and Belfus.
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Maxfield, G. (1996). The Novel Approch to Sexuality and Disability. Sparks. Northern Nevada Amputee Support.
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Kroll, K. & Klein, E. L. (1995). Enabling Romance: A Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships for People with Disabilities (and the People who Care About Them). Bethesda: Woodbine.
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Kaufman, M., Silverberg, C., & Odette, F. (2003). The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. San Francisco: Cleis.
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Shakespeare, T., Gillespie-Sells, K. & Davies, D. (1996). The Sexual Politics of Disability. Untold Desires.New York: Cassell.
- Sexually Competent: Physical disabilities should not impede an active sex life. Retrieved 29 Nov 2007 from http://www.disabilityworld.org/06-08_04/il/sex.shtml
- Center for Research on Women with Disabilities. National Study of Women with Physical Disabilities: Sexual Functioning. Retreived 29 Nov 2007 from http://www.bcm.edu/crowd/national_study/SEXFUNC.htm
- Silverberg, C. Sexuality and Disability Myths and Facts. Retreived 29 Nov 2007 from http://sexuality.about.com/od/disability/p/disability_sex1.htm
- Body Beautiful/Body Perfect: Challenging the Status Quo.Where Do Women with Disabilities Fit In? Retrieved 17 Oct 2007 from http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/7319/sex.htm
- Disability Sex Dating and Adult Chat Retrieved 17 Oct 2007 from http://www.disabled-world.com/ artman/ publish/disability-sex.shtml
- Nosek, M. A., Howland, C., Rintala, D. H., Young, M. E., & Chanpong, G. F. (2001). National Study of Women with Physical Disabilities: Final Report. Sexuality and Disability, 19, 1, 5-39.
- Hassouneh-Phillips, D. & McNeff, E. (2005). “I Thought I was less worthy”: Low sexual and body esteem and increased vulnerability to intimate partner abuse in women with physical disabilities. Sexuality & Disability, 23, 4, 227-240.
- Vansteenwegen, A. Jans, & Revell, T. (2003). Sexual Experience of Women with a Physical Disability: A Comparative Study. Sexuality & Disability, 21, 4, 283-290.
- Taleporos, G. & McCabe, M. P. (2001). The Impact of Physical Disability on Body Esteem. Sexuality & Disability, 19, 4, 293-308.
- Taleporos, G. & McCabe, M. P. (2001). Physical Disability and Sexual Esteem. Sexuality & Disability, 19, 2, 131-148.
- http://www.serc.mb.ca/SERC/content/dload/sexandpd/file - Sexuality and physical disability reading list
- http://www.siecus.org/pubs/biblio/bibs0009.html - Extensive bibliography and resource site related to disability and sexuality.
- http://www.sexsupport.org/cpresources.html - Sexuality And Disability: Education, Advocacy & Support: a part of “Information on Disability for Empowerment, Advocacy & Support (IDEAS). Every person experiences sexuality differently and needs different information. Most of what is available regarding sexuality and disability on websites is not easily accessed by those whose disabilities impair their ability to read. This site is designed to meet the needs of these people and the people who care about them - personally or professionally.
- http://www.sexualhealth.com/channel/view/disability-illness/ - The Sexual Health Network is dedicated to providing easy access to sexuality information, education, support, and other resources. It contains an extensive section on disability and illness.
- http://www.lovebyrd.com - Lovebryd’s mission is to provide a disabled dating and social networking service to individuals living with a condition that makes it difficult to meet and connect with other people. Whether you use the term disabled, differently abled, challenged, handicapped or you prefer not to classify your condition, Lovebyrd is right for you if you are disabled (or non-disabled) and looking to meet fun, friendly disabled singles for friendship, dating, online chat, or even long-term relationships leading to marriage. Lovebryd aims to provide a safe Internet disabled dating community and friendship network for single disabled men and women around the world.
- http://www.disabled-world.com/disabled-dating/index.php. Disabled Dating World is a totally free online dating service for the elderly and persons with disabilities, their families and friends and able bodied members who would like to meet compatible people who happen to have a disability.Our Disabled Dating website is an international service for persons with disabilities from all around the world and includes chat rooms, your own mailbox, compatibility matchmaking service, instant messaging (IM) and many more exciting features
- http://www.dateable.org A dating service with heart that’s why we are here. DateAble is a unique non-profit social organization for people with and without disabilities who seek new friends and relationships. DateAble provides assistance with enhancing members social skills and developing life goals via telephone on an appointment basis.
Author Biography
As a 29 year-old with cerebral palsy, I have had my share of struggles with dating relationships and sexuality.Growing up sheltered and attending a small alternative middle and high school where hardly anyone dated, I did not feel particularly discouraged about my “singlehood” until I reached college. Although I studied at a women’s college, it seemed as though everyone around me was spending their weekends partying and “hooking up” at nearby co-ed or all male schools. Distrustful of the fraternity scene and too timid to search for alternative opportunities, I spent my weekends studying and socializing with the students who stayed on campus.I made some wonderful friends at college and do not regret my choice to nurture my relationships with women, yet I wish that I had been confident enough to explore other avenues for meeting men.
I haphazardly stumbled into my first romantic relationship at the age of 21, the summer before my senior year of college. As a budding disability rights activist, I met Toby at a national leadership conference for youth with disabilities. We quickly found that our backgrounds had a lot in common, that we understood each other’s struggles, and that we had similar aspirations for the future. Although our relationship was long distance, we fell in love over that summer and spent most of the next two years together. It was a wonderful first relationship for me, and even though I was very inexperienced in terms of physical intimacy and sexuality, let’s just say I was a pretty quick study.
I learned that despite my disability, I was still a sexual being and that there were men out there who would see that and who would value both my inner and outer beauty. However, as we got to know each other better, we gradually discovered that we were not as similar as we first thought, and that our personality differences, combined with our individual struggles to begin our careers and find our unique identities, would eventually drive us apart. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced and part of me will always love him, but I think I knew from the beginning that he was not “the one” for me.
While my relationship with Toby taught me a lot about myself, my sexuality, and the kind of long term partner I hoped to find, I wish it had given me more confidence that there would be any other potential partners. I once again found myself full of doubts and insecurities about whether there would ever be anybody else, and I began to wonder whether my first love was just an anomaly, rather than concrete evidence that I could be attractive and desirable to a potential romantic partner. Despite the fact that over the next several years I would develop a strong network of friends and would be generally happy with my life as a graduate student, I always felt that some significant part of my life was missing but was still (save for single dates and short-lived couplings here and there) too insecure and anxious to really put myself out there into situations conducive to meeting someone.
They say that love doesn’t just fall into your lap, and that you’ve got to go searching for it. While I do believe that people with and without disabilities need to be proactive in their quest for romance, I “fell” into my second serious relationship in another unexpected place: my academic department.
Ryan and I had known each other as fellow PhD students for over a year before we began dating; I liked him from the moment I met him, and was secretly crushed when I found out that he was in a serious relationship with someone else. By the time he and his ex-girlfriend broke up, we’d already become great friends and I felt really comfortable around him; we’d even traveled to England together to attend a conference.
remember trying hard to be supportive of him after his break-up, all the while thinking that I needed to play my cards very carefully. I must have drawn a good hand because it was less than two months later that we began “officially” dating, and next month we will celebrate our one-year anniversary.
In some ways, I consider this to be my first “real” relationship, as Ryan and I see each other almost daily and although we truly love one another, we often have disagreements and trouble communicating about our everyday needs, including our needs for closeness and our needs for independence. Despite these conflicts and the fact that we have pretty distinct personality characteristics, there remains a certain “spark” that keeps us connected. Recently, after we’d been arguing, I was trying to describe to Ryan this “spark” that I felt so strongly. He immediately grabbed my hand, kissed it, and said “Kelly, that’s called love.
The two most important lessons I have learned about romantic relationships are (a) that they can be challenging to navigate - joyous and painful, sometimes at the same time; and (b) that it’s almost impossible to have a healthy relationship if you do not feel confident in whom you are as an individual and in being on your own. It has always seemed like an oxymoron: the stability and goodness of our romantic relationships seem to be critical for developing that confidence and for validating who we are, yet it’s exceedingly difficult to have a healthy relationship to start with if we are not already confident as women, even as women with disabilities.
I love Ryan all the more because I love myself; I am with him because I want to be, not because I need a man to be happy or whole. A friend of mine who met her boyfriend and quickly married after being single for many years recently described her love by utilizing the old cliché, “He completes me.” Although I am glad she is happy and I hope that she will continue to be happy, I couldn’t help but flinch when I heard her statement. For Ryan does not complete me; I am complete on my own, as is he. Instead, Ryan and I complement one another; we as individuals come together to form a partnership, and we value one another as individuals as much as we value our relationship as a couple.
So, please do not, as women with disabilities, or just as women, feel like you have to settle.Please do not feel like you are worthless without a partner. Please do not sell yourself short or give up because you have a disability.If you choose to look for a partner, please put yourself out there in situations where you shine, even if those situations provoke anxiety and even if you initially face rejection. Please recognize that not only do you have value, but that your disability (as well as your womanhood) is an integral part of that value. Please do not be afraid to explore and enjoy your opportunities for romance and for sexual expression. Finally, please share your struggles and successes with others who create and visit this site.
Together, we can form an active and vibrant community of individuals who self-identify as female, disabled, and proud!
